Shades of Gray
by Sandra Evans
Summary: L knows without a shadow of a doubt that Light is Kira, and that Kira will murder him. Yet, he cannot help but to continue loving the man who is both his greatest enemy and his very first friend.  LxLight


I kneel before him, holding his foot between my hands. It is the most humbling of positions, and were he anyone else, I never would have assumed it. But he is not just anyone; he is Light-kun. And because he is Light-Kun, I will debase myself, will humble myself, will play the fool…all for his sake.

I glance up and read the surprise written in his eyes, and then I note how quickly the shock flees and the calculations begin. He is trying to rationalize my behavior, trying to find some ulterior motive in my actions. I can practically see the gears in his mind whirling, and I know that Kira has overtaken him once more.

But for once, I have no ulterior motive. Somehow, this one man has caused me to lose my inhibitions; to speak and act in a way that I never have before. Where he is concerned, my once sharp senses have dulled considerably, and I find that I wish to immerse myself in denial. I want to force the knowledge that he will betray me from my mind.

I remember how he looked at me as we stood out in the rain together, and I feel something inside of me break. My hair is still wet from the encounter, and the drops that fall onto Light-kun's feet are the tears that I refuse to shed.

I feel him jerk when the cold water meets his skin, and then I become aware of his hard gaze boring into me. I keep my head down, unwilling to meet his gaze. Unlike me, his feelings aren't strong enough to hinder his ambitions. He is my one weakness, but I am not his.

Suddenly, he is gently swiping a towel against my forehead. The touch is tender, and I realize that Kira has once again slipped from his conscious. "You're still wet," he observes, and the concern that I hear in his voice makes my throat thick with emotion. I do not reply; I fear that if I speak, my voice will fail me. He is silent as well, and for the first time I believe that he may feel remorse; that killing me isn't a question of desire but one of necessity.

"I'm sad," I admit when I am in control of my body once more, though I am not quite sure why I do so. Light-kun pulls the towel away from my hair, and I know that his keen gaze is boring into me; questioning me silently.

"This is our farewell," I explain, meeting his gaze for the first time since we stepped inside. And it is. After this moment, the Light-kun that I have come to love will be gone, and Kira will take up residence in his body. The bright boy who could have become such a remarkable man will be reduced to a murderer, and I, the most famed of all investigators, will cease to exist.

Light-kun's eyes widen, and I see a mixture of confusion and disbeliefs in their depths. Confusion as to what exactly I am referring to, and disbelief that I am so accepting of death by his hand. "You will understand," I tell him. One day, he will love as I have loved, been betrayed as I have been betrayed, and in the end, he will learn why I am acting as I am.

Our gazes meet, and a spark flares between us. I wonder briefly what might have been, and I know in my heart that he has done the same. The moment is cruelly and abruptly shattered when my cell phone rings, and when I answer it, my mind is not entirely on Watari's words.

It takes all of my willpower to wrench my gaze from that of the boy-turned-killer, but somehow, I manage to do so. "Things may turn out well after all," I say once I have closed the phone and have turned away from the young man. However, I know without a doubt that things will end far from well. I speak so only for Light-kun's sake.

Our moment has passed, and my death approaches, yet still, I can't help but to meet his gaze for one final time. When I do so, longing for a life that could have never been and will never be passes through me. For in what world could we two, a mass murderer with a penchant for justice, and a detective who lives in shades of gray, have ever been able to be together?

I turn my back on the boy and all that I have come to love, and instead think briefly to the future. One day, my death will be avenged; I know this as surely as I know that Light-kun will kill me.

The thought doesn't give me as much comfort as I once thought it would.


End file.
